I woke up at around 11:21am and made myself a healthy smoothie.
It contains black berries, blackcurrant berries, plant stem cells, frozen yoghurt and some other healthy stuffs. I also made myself some eggs with long beans. It felt great.
I wanted to go gym at first but realising that I may not have enough time and not wanting to rush for things so I decided to go to the gym erhaps after the session.
3pm, I had my first private session at The Golden Space with Moisy as the professional consultant.
When I was on my way there, I was very anxious. Because I do not know what to expect, I do not know what I do not know, so it is quite nerve wrecking. But Yuuki gave me encouragement and told me that I will be okay, and I believed that too.
It was not too soon that I reached the desitnation and I was given a cup of water to get myself ready.
I went into the room after I felt I got ready and I initiated the conversation by telling Moisy what happened to me in the past weeks since I met her during the consultation.
I felt that the reason why I chose to sign up the course on the spot was because this is an answer from the universe for something that I had been struggling with - I couldn't handle my emotions well and I want to know better on how to handle it.
I explained what I had happened in acknowledging and being more aware with what I am feeling lately and what had I actively do, to sit with my emotions and face my fears.
There includes having difficult conversations with my partner Yuuki.. even if it led to a lot of breakdowns for us but I felt that our relationship had become more initmate that I had expressed more of myself and when we both shared our thoughts & feelings and etc. It was a rough night for both of us.
But I am glad that we were to be there for each other during the toughest times. I am happy with where I am having progress although I am still having a lot of complicated emotions.
Then I spoke about my mother... I don't know why but it was so natural that I just cried as I spoke about her. Which I normally would not. But I am glad that Moisy probably know what was going on, and immediately identify that this the wound that I need healing from.
She also explained that, it is great that I had atended Asiaworks back in 2013 as that was the tool I needed to cope with or advance in my life and now, I am ready for something deeper and hence I was there.
The key was "Awareness" - "Coping" - "Healing"
When I was 10 years old, it was the first time I had awareness of what is "hurt" "guilt" "shame" "resentment" and a lot of other emotions
And it had been stacking from all kinds of traumas that I had been through as a trigger on the particular incident when I was 10.
I remember taking deep breathes as I allow the white light from my heart to slowly spread across my body - and eventually there's some white light showering from the top to bottom until it covers my entire body like a cocoon. I know that I am in a safe enevironement and no one can hurt me and no one is going to judge me.
I saw my own reflection in the mirror, and I was invited to be back at the scene of where the traumatic incident had happened:
It was paused at the scene where my mum had cornered me at the toilet with her fingers poinitng at me, and I crouched there feeling helpless and not knowing where to go but I knew I was uncomfortable and wanted to get out of that position desparately.
Moisy slowly guided me to see what is around, try to picture what had happened to my mum on that day... that made her so upset. I don't remember what had happened that day but from this journey, I followed whatever that came into my mind first
"I think she's upset, and thinks she's useless"
Then I was invited to go back further to find the child of my mohter. In my mind, she pretty much looked like me when I was 10 years old except she is short hair and wearing a white dress.
She was sad too. Knowing my mum came from a broken family and the father was abusive. My gut thinks that perhaps she was yearning love from her father. (Although I really don't know tbh but I followed whatever came up to my mind with Mosiy's guided questions)
I was asked to hug the little girl and tell her things. I feel a lot of empathy towards her because I deeply resonate with her as what I had been through as a child.
I know, my mum has never been great in expressing her love, and although I was really hurt and mad from the hate speeches that she told me and how I had allowed her to continue to abuse me emotionally. physically, and verbally because of the guilt I felt from the mistake of slapping my mum on Mother's Day due to my emotions.
"It is not your fault. You did whatever you could in your best capacity back then."
I told the little girl of my mother: "I am so sorry that I had judged you."
"It is okay." she nodded.
"I will love you better when I am back as an adult at the present. I love you and I am so sorry what you need to go through. I will love you."
She smiles and we hugged each other tightly.
Then I was brought back to the day on that incident - I was asked to see how was my adult mother looked like now
She still looks sad but slightly better.
"That's great, now go hug your mother and tell her things you want to tell her."
"I am so sorry. I wish I could do better. I wish I had never do that and had been a better daughter. I am sorry for all the hurt I caused you indirectly even if I did not have the intentions. I really love you."
She smiles back and say: "I know. I will always love you no matter what you do."
Then I was asked to hug the 10 year old me and tell her things I want to say.
"I am so sorry for leaving you alone and had beaten up you so much when you needed me the most. I promise that I will never leave you alone again. I will be with you."
"Okay! It's okay. I know!" - the 10 year old girl, so happy and forgiving.
Then I came back as I had nothing else to say but just a lot of silence as we hug each other.
As I came back to the white space, I saw my reflection again
And she goes:
"You did so well. Don't worry, I am with you. I am inside of you and I will always be with you."
We hugged each other so tightly. I didn't know that I am so capable to love and forgive.
I am so lovable, and I have the capacity to break the cycle if she's in me.
"All you need to be, is just be you!" - she said that and happily hugs me back just like how I would hug anyone I deeply in love with. Whoever in real life that I will hug so tight so that they can feel the love I want to give it to them, the love they deserve to have.
The reflection hugged myself so so so tight.
And I was brought abck to the present as I open my eyes.
Everything was very real. I now know that, I am very capable to love and forgive, and I, have the ability to end this cycle. It shall end within me.
Key Takeaways:
"Hurting people hurts people"
"I should love harder when it hurts the most"
"I will be there to love you even when you are not lovable"
"I am capable of love and forgiving!"
