5 March 2023 0341am
I forgot to bring my cardholder out after I reorganised my stuffs yesterday. Felt frustrated and stupid on myself to make such mistakes but luckily I can still make payment using grabpay.Then I realised I forgot to switch Grabcar Plus back to Grabcar hence was having trouble to get a grab. Felt so dumb.
So I went to the gym anyway.
I know that Yuuki is going out with Bel today.
I went to the gym but wasn’t being the most productive feeling like a drag but still managed to push for a few sets; maybe it’s been some time I went to the gym.
I can feel tears in my eyes whenever I swipe to her IG stories spending a wonderful time with her. But I endured it and told myself that hey it’s gonna be okay. I didn’t text her a lot because I don’t have anything good to share as she share with me little things that she see from the Chatuchak market.
I went home around 5pm. I am relieved that I didn’t need to see my boss for that special appointment because honestly I wasn’t ready. Upon showering, I tried to find all kinds of things to do so that I don’t feel so distracted. Then I decided to watch Chainsawman since it’s a popular anime and I had cosplaying it.
I finished watching Chainsawman at 22:30 and I suddenly felt that since this task is done, nothing can numb my feelings anymore so I burst into tears. I felt myself breaking into pieces - and was crying frantically on the kitchen floor.
I can picture myself crying at that spot in my brain, seeing how darkness had engulfed me and how I wish those devils would be my friends just like how the movie did.
I cried so long and loud because my body had contained so much anger fear resentment and insecure that I just want to release them.
Almost like a numbing pain was felt over my chest and stomach as I curl into a ball - on the floor, or on the sofa as I continued to cry. I think I kind of understand the energy theory what The Golden Space had told me.
It’s a familiar feeling to feel that my heart was being sucked empty as if there’s a hole on it
It’s as if I am going through a very bad break up when nothing in real life, has happened.
It’s as if I am grieving over something but I am unsure what that is. The most accurate statement for me that I could think of is “I am grieving for the parts of myself that are long lost and can’t be found.” Because I have had this feeling for the longest time.
I isolated myself from the world because I felt that no one could understand my pain. And that these are the consequences that I am accountable for the choice I have made by not being honest with my feelings and had compromised it before. I also think I deserved this as my karma for hurting those who had truly cared about me in the past. In particularly, John. He always have his ways to reach out to me.. always know that something is not right about me and was always there. Yet I cheated twice and I know I can never pay back for what he did for me as a partner (back then) - I also think I no longer deserve such kindness from anyone else. My parents just thought that it’s a normal break up, when it was me, who just immorally gave in to my desires at that time.
I hate myself for having desires & feelings.
I desperately cry for help deep inside of my heart as I wanted to die. Again. I really want to end my life but I can’t. Thinking about all the responsibilities, the troubles that I could leave to anyone even just by suiciding in this house, haunts me that I fear death. But I couldn’t think of anyone that I could call. I don’t think anyone would come and I didn’t want anyone to see myself at that state.
I would probably be labelled as insane or mentally sick to be seen like that.
I understand that Bel is only her friend and that they both are just having fun as friends
But the fact that Bel didn’t know about the truth
Just because you are hiding it from her to protect her feelings, make me felt incredibly jealous and disturbed because
In the end, I am the one suffered the most
And I felt that I did not even have the right to say anything because I agreed to this.
I didn’t fight for myself because I am a coward. I resent myself for agreeing over something that I know it could cause me hurt each time seeing you go out with her like nothing had happened
I think I stop loving you because I no longer know what is love when I can’t love myself
And all I felt was resentment - like an eternal darkness that constantly engulfed me
How can I love someone when all I felt towards a person was resentment, distrust, and pain
The worst thing is, you being gentle and sending me stickers to keep in touch with me while you spend your day with her
It really torments me to see the pictures you upload on your socials with her
Even if my mind clearly knows that you both are merely going out as friends
I still, can’t sit well with the fact that you both still look like a pair of couples and how your Singapore friends would just see you both as an item still. I really hate it. Hate it that I am unable to hate both of you because there isn’t a reason since my thinking brain fully understands that anyone have their rights to hang out with their friends however they want
And Bel does have a lot of positive impact over you, she is able to do things that is not within my capacity and I had to admit my short comings on that. I don’t hate her at all. It’s just really painful for me to deal with all the insecurities, fear that I have, on my own, just because..
You wanted to protect her feelings and your reputation. While me, being in this chaos of darkness. Things that you didn’t like - was perfectly avoided while things that I didn’t like, I can only fearfully say it out because I am afraid of you not liking the idea or would like me less.
While my existence have to be remained as a secret as what we both agreed
I genuinely thought maybe it’s going to be okay when I endure this a little more
That I could endure this for I just gave a little bit more patience and time - that things are getting better
But it triggers me whenever I see that you are with her spending time happily.
This is a moment where I hate myself more than ever for having feelings, to have the ability to feel pain, confused, and felt like having an internal conflict within me because of such feelings
All the pain. From all the hate I have for myself, be it from this relationship, or the past relationships, or during my entire childhood to teens among the 28 years
This familiar feeling had came back to me
The only difference is, I get to cry out really loud however I want at my own space
But I still felt the need to suppress parts of my feelings so that I remain sane enough to not kill myself out of impulse.
12am
I cried so much that I decided to sleep on the couch. A place where I used to sleep when I was in the last relationship. The space was tightly small horribly uncomfortable yet I still lived in that pile of junk
Thankful that now I have a clean space and a comfortable couch to sleep on at least
0258am
I woke up. This moment reminds me of the high school days where I felt “Ah. School time.”
It’s like those days whenever I had an argument with mum because she said so much hurtful things to me and I had to cry under the blankets without her knowing
I cried so long that I probably fall asleep in the process and still manage to wake up and function just to go to school
I remember the feeling of fear that her anger will break through the silence and I had to deal with the chaos. It’s been the 5th or 6th day she had covid, and I had never once called her over the phone to ask how she was despite my dad asking me to do so
No.1, I don’t have anything to talk about with her other than “how are you today”
No.2, I am in a really crappy state that I can’t deal with anyone right now
I refuse to be vulnerable with her because I don’t want to hear her saying things like “oh you make me worry so much” and start doing whatever things that could potentially soften my heart again so that I am okay with her shit statements and toxicity again
When she’s kind to me, I really appreciate it. But I also had held way too much of resentment towards her during those days.
All the things that happened in that house. I remembered all my bottled up feelings and now they are all the fears and insecurities that I carry along with me, despite I no longer stay there.
When I was on the verge of wanting to really just stab myself to end the pain that I felt earlier on, the name Moisy, slipped the back of my head many times, that maybe I could give her a text
But I never took the step because I am unable to articulate my actual feelings at that moment.
I could only cry helplessly and that could potentially bring trouble to her as well. She’s not a therapist after all, and I don’t like the idea of troubling someone.
I had imagined many times if I died that moment, how many days would it take for people to find out my body? What happens after? Who will cry for me and grieve for me…? And how long would that be? They probably just thought “what a waste that she had died”
All my achievements that I had made. Working my dream jobs and have a shelter to live in. Have the luxury to cry in a comfortable space. I am already in such a privileged state yet I am feeling miserable over a petty thing.
That’s what making me hating myself for all the feelings I have because I don’t think I deserve feeling all this.
I guilt trip myself the most. And gaslight myself the most because unfortunately, I never knew how to process all these feelings because I never get to.
At least I feel a little better now. Being able to write my down my thoughts to document this.
Maybe it’s going to be helpful for Moisy to understand what’s my feelings at moments like this why I felt the need to die
I think the most painful for me was, knowing that I want to die, but I cannot die. Since I am not allowed to given the circumstances, so long as I would bring trouble to the others, I should not voluntarily just end my life like that. At least, that’s what the adults told me when I first wanted to suicide when I was 10.
It’s not the first time I felt this. It’s the 28th year.
I am tired so I decide to sleep again at 03:54am
