Amazing Journey Day 1

I woke up at around 11:21am and made myself a healthy smoothie.
It contains black berries, blackcurrant berries, plant stem cells, frozen yoghurt and some other healthy stuffs. I also made myself some eggs with long beans. It felt great.

I wanted to go gym at first but realising that I may not have enough time and not wanting to rush for things so I decided to go to the gym erhaps after the session.

3pm, I had my first private session at The Golden Space with Moisy as the professional consultant.

When I was on my way there, I was very anxious. Because I do not know what to expect, I do not know what I do not know, so it is quite nerve wrecking. But Yuuki gave me encouragement and told me that I will be okay, and I believed that too.

It was not too soon that I reached the desitnation and I was given a cup of water to get myself ready.

I went into the room after I felt I got ready and I initiated the conversation by telling Moisy what happened to me in the past weeks since I met her during the consultation.

I felt that the reason why I chose to sign up the course on the spot was because this is an answer from the universe for something that I had been struggling with - I couldn't handle my emotions well and I want to know better on how to handle it.

I explained what I had happened in acknowledging and being more aware with what I am feeling lately and what had I actively do, to sit with my emotions and face my fears.

There includes having difficult conversations with my partner Yuuki.. even if it led to a lot of breakdowns for us but I felt that our relationship had become more initmate that I had expressed more of myself and when we both shared our thoughts & feelings and etc. It was a rough night for both of us.

But I am glad that we were to be there for each other during the toughest times. I am happy with where I am having progress although I am still having a lot of complicated emotions.

Then I spoke about my mother... I don't know why but it was so natural that I just cried as I spoke about her. Which I normally would not. But I am glad that Moisy probably know what was going on, and immediately identify that this the wound that I need healing from.

She also explained that, it is great that I had atended Asiaworks back in 2013 as that was the tool I needed to cope with or advance in my life and now, I am ready for something deeper and hence I was there.

The key was "Awareness" - "Coping" - "Healing"

When I was 10 years old, it was the first time I had awareness of what is "hurt" "guilt" "shame" "resentment" and a lot of other emotions 

And it had been stacking from all kinds of traumas that I had been through as a trigger on the particular incident when I was 10.

I remember taking deep breathes as I allow the white light from my heart to slowly spread across my body - and eventually there's some white light showering from the top to bottom until it covers my entire body like a cocoon. I know that I am in a safe enevironement and no one can hurt me and no one is going to judge me.

I saw my own reflection in the mirror, and I was invited to be back at the scene of where the traumatic incident had happened:

It was paused at the scene where my mum had cornered me at the toilet with her fingers poinitng at me, and I crouched there feeling helpless and not knowing where to go but I knew I was uncomfortable and wanted to get out of that position desparately.

Moisy slowly guided me to see what is around, try to picture what had happened to my mum on that  day... that made her so upset. I don't remember what had happened that day but from this journey, I followed whatever that came into my mind first

"I think she's upset, and thinks she's useless"

Then I was invited to go back further to find the child of my mohter. In my mind, she pretty much looked like me when I was 10 years old except she is short hair and wearing a white dress.

She was sad too. Knowing my mum came from a broken family and the father was abusive. My gut thinks that perhaps she was yearning love from her father. (Although I really don't know tbh but I followed whatever came up to my mind with Mosiy's guided questions)

I was asked to hug the little girl and tell her things. I feel a lot of empathy towards her because I deeply resonate with her as what I had been through as a child.

I know, my mum has never been great in expressing her love, and although I was really hurt and mad from the hate speeches that she told me and how I had allowed her to continue to abuse me emotionally. physically, and verbally because of the guilt I felt from the mistake of slapping my mum on Mother's Day due to my emotions.

"It is not your fault. You did whatever you could in your best capacity back then."

I told the little girl of my mother: "I am so sorry that I had judged you."

"It is okay." she nodded.

"I will love you better when I am back as an adult at the present. I love you and I am so sorry what you need to go through. I will love you."

She smiles and we hugged each other tightly.

Then I was brought back to the day on that incident - I was asked to see how was my adult mother looked like now

She still looks sad but slightly better. 

"That's great, now go hug your mother and tell her things you want to tell her."

"I am so sorry. I wish I could do better. I wish I had never do that and had been a better daughter. I am sorry for all the hurt I caused you indirectly even if I did not have the intentions. I really love you."

She smiles back and say: "I know. I will always love you no matter what you do."

Then I was asked to hug the 10 year old me and tell her things I want to say.

"I am so sorry for leaving you alone and had beaten up you so much when you needed me the most. I promise that I will never leave you alone again. I will be with you."

"Okay! It's okay. I know!" - the 10 year old girl, so happy and forgiving.

Then I came back as I had nothing else to say but just a lot of silence as we hug each other.

As I came back to the white space, I saw my reflection again

And she goes:

"You did so well. Don't worry, I am with you. I am inside of you and I will always be with you."

We hugged each other so tightly. I didn't know that I am so capable to love and forgive.

I am so lovable, and I have the capacity to break the cycle if she's in me. 

"All you need to be, is just be you!" - she said that and happily hugs me back just like how I would hug anyone I deeply in love with. Whoever in real life that I will hug so tight so that they can feel the love I want to give it to them, the love they deserve to have.

The reflection hugged myself so so so tight.

And I was brought abck to the present as I open my eyes.

Everything was very real. I now know that, I am very capable to love and forgive, and I, have the ability to end this cycle. It shall end within me.

Key Takeaways:

"Hurting people hurts people"

"I should love harder when it hurts the most"

"I will be there to love you even when you are not lovable"

"I am capable of love and forgiving!"

2nd Day of "Rotting"

 I watched all 12 episodes of Chainsawman from 7pm+ - 10:30pm I think. Then when the movie ended

I had a sudden realisation that I have nothing else to do (to numb my feelings) so my feelings just came out in the form of crying

Cried like 2 hours like I went through a break up  I wanna laugh at myself now but yea. Slept and cry again then actually wrote a journal just to express my feelings

Then continue to sleep then I am okay already the next day

Then it came to yesterday, which I cried after I talked to my mum which you already know the story

My point is… the more that I express my feelings and spent more time to sit with my feelings

I start to find peace and I am able to guide myself better.

1st Day of "Rotting"

5 March 2023 0341am

I forgot to bring my cardholder out after I reorganised my stuffs yesterday. Felt frustrated and stupid on myself to make such mistakes but luckily I can still make payment using grabpay.
Then I realised I forgot to switch Grabcar Plus back to Grabcar hence was having trouble to get a grab. Felt so dumb.
So I went to the gym anyway.
I know that Yuuki is going out with Bel today.
I went to the gym but wasn’t being the most productive feeling like a drag but still managed to push for a few sets; maybe it’s been some time I went to the gym.

I can feel tears in my eyes whenever I swipe to her IG stories spending a wonderful time with her. But I endured it and told myself that hey it’s gonna be okay. I didn’t text her a lot because I don’t have anything good to share as she share with me little things that she see from the Chatuchak market.

I went home around 5pm. I am relieved that I didn’t need to see my boss for that special appointment because honestly I wasn’t ready. Upon showering, I tried to find all kinds of things to do so that I don’t feel so distracted. Then I decided to watch Chainsawman since it’s a popular anime and I had cosplaying it.

I finished watching Chainsawman at 22:30 and I suddenly felt that since this task is done, nothing can numb my feelings anymore so I burst into tears. I felt myself breaking into pieces - and was crying frantically on the kitchen floor.
I can picture myself crying at that spot in my brain, seeing how darkness had engulfed me and how I wish those devils would be my friends just like how the movie did.
I cried so long and loud because my body had contained so much anger fear resentment and insecure that I just want to release them.

Almost like a numbing pain was felt over my chest and stomach as I curl into a ball - on the floor, or on the sofa as I continued to cry. I think I kind of understand the energy theory what The Golden Space had told me.
It’s a familiar feeling to feel that my heart was being sucked empty as if there’s a hole on it
It’s as if I am going through a very bad break up when nothing in real life, has happened.
It’s as if I am grieving over something but I am unsure what that is. The most accurate statement for me that I could think of is “I am grieving for the parts of myself that are long lost and can’t be found.” Because I have had this feeling for the longest time.

I isolated myself from the world because I felt that no one could understand my pain. And that these are the consequences that I am accountable for the choice I have made by not being honest with my feelings and had compromised it before. I also think I deserved this as my karma for hurting those who had truly cared about me in the past. In particularly, John. He always have his ways to reach out to me.. always know that something is not right about me and was always there. Yet I cheated twice and I know I can never pay back for what he did for me as a partner (back then) - I also think I no longer deserve such kindness from anyone else. My parents just thought that it’s a normal break up, when it was me, who just immorally gave in to my desires at that time.
I hate myself for having desires & feelings.

I desperately cry for help deep inside of my heart  as I wanted to die. Again. I really want to end my life but I can’t. Thinking about all the responsibilities, the troubles that I could leave to anyone even just by suiciding in this house, haunts me that I fear death. But I couldn’t think of anyone that I could call. I don’t think anyone would come and I didn’t want anyone to see myself at that state.

I would probably be labelled as insane or mentally sick to be seen like that.
I understand that Bel is only her friend and that they both are just having fun as friends
But the fact that Bel didn’t know about the truth
Just because you are hiding it from her to protect her feelings, make me felt incredibly jealous and disturbed because

In the end, I am the one suffered the most
And I felt that I did not even have the right to say anything because I agreed to this.
I didn’t fight for myself because I am a coward. I resent myself for agreeing over something that I know it could cause me hurt each time seeing you go out with her like nothing had happened

I think I stop loving you because I no longer know what is love when I can’t love myself
And all I felt was resentment - like an eternal darkness that constantly engulfed me

How can I love someone when all I felt towards a person was resentment, distrust, and pain
The worst thing is, you being gentle and sending me stickers to keep in touch with me while you spend your day with her

It really torments me to see the pictures you upload on your socials with her
Even if my mind clearly knows that you both are merely going out as friends
I still, can’t sit well with the fact that you both still look like a pair of couples and how your Singapore friends would just see you both as an item still. I really hate it. Hate it that I am unable to hate both of you because there isn’t a reason since my thinking brain fully understands that anyone have their rights to hang out with their friends however they want

And Bel does have a lot of positive impact over you, she is able to do things that is not within my capacity and I had to admit my short comings on that. I don’t hate her at all. It’s just really painful for me to deal with all the insecurities, fear that I have, on my own, just because..
You wanted to protect her feelings and your reputation. While me, being in this chaos of darkness. Things that you didn’t like - was perfectly avoided while things that I didn’t like, I can only fearfully say it out because I am afraid of you not liking the idea or would like me less.

While my existence have to be remained as a secret as what we both agreed
I genuinely thought maybe it’s going to be okay when I endure this a little more
That I could endure this for I just gave a little bit more patience and time - that things are getting better

But it triggers me whenever I see that you are with her spending time happily.
This is a moment where I hate myself more than ever for having feelings, to have the ability to feel pain, confused, and felt like having an internal conflict within me because of such feelings

All the pain. From all the hate I have for myself, be it from this relationship, or the past relationships, or during my entire childhood to teens among the 28 years
This familiar feeling had came back to me
The only difference is, I get to cry out really loud however I want at my own space
But I still felt the need to suppress parts of my feelings so that I remain sane enough to not kill myself out of impulse.

12am
I cried so much that I decided to sleep on the couch. A place where I used to sleep when I was in the last relationship. The space was tightly small horribly uncomfortable yet I still lived in that pile of junk

Thankful that now I have a clean space and a comfortable couch to sleep on at least

0258am
I woke up. This moment reminds me of the high school days where I felt “Ah. School time.”

It’s like those days whenever I had an argument with mum because she said so much hurtful things to me and I had to cry under the blankets without her knowing

I cried so long that I probably fall asleep in the process and still manage to wake up and function just to go to school

I remember the feeling of fear that her anger will break through the silence and I had to deal with the chaos. It’s been the 5th or 6th day she had covid, and I had never once called her over the phone to ask how she was despite my dad asking me to do so

No.1, I don’t have anything to talk about with her other than “how are you today”
No.2, I am in a really crappy state that I can’t deal with anyone right now
I refuse to be vulnerable with her because I don’t want to hear her saying things like “oh you make me worry so much” and start doing whatever things that could potentially soften my heart again so that I am okay with her shit statements and toxicity again

When she’s kind to me, I really appreciate it. But I also had held way too much of resentment towards her during those days.
All the things that happened in that house. I remembered all my bottled up feelings and now they are all the fears and insecurities that I carry along with me, despite I no longer stay there.

When I was on the verge of wanting to really just stab myself to end the pain that I felt earlier on, the name Moisy, slipped the back of my head many times, that maybe I could give her a text
But I never took the step because I am unable to articulate my actual feelings at that moment.

I could only cry helplessly and that could potentially bring trouble to her as well. She’s not a therapist after all, and I don’t like the idea of troubling someone.

I had imagined many times if I died that moment, how many days would it take for people to find out my body? What happens after? Who will cry for me and grieve for me…? And how long would that be? They probably just thought “what a waste that she had died”

All my achievements that I had made. Working my dream jobs and have a shelter to live in. Have the luxury to cry in a comfortable space. I am already in such a privileged state yet I am feeling miserable over a petty thing.
That’s what making me hating myself for all the feelings I have because I don’t think I deserve feeling all this.
I guilt trip myself the most. And gaslight myself the most because unfortunately, I never knew how to process all these feelings because I never get to.

At least I feel a little better now. Being able to write my down my thoughts to document this.
Maybe it’s going to be helpful for Moisy to understand what’s my feelings at moments like this why I felt the need to die

I think the most painful for me was, knowing that I want to die, but I cannot die. Since I am not allowed to given the circumstances, so long as I would bring trouble to the others, I should not voluntarily just end my life like that. At least, that’s what the adults told me when I first wanted to suicide when I was 10.

It’s not the first time I felt this. It’s the 28th year.

I am tired so I decide to sleep again at 03:54am

Ike Eveland - 10 April 2022

I am not worth for you to die over for.

I don't think anything / anyone in this world is worth for you to die over for.

Your life is the only thing that is so precious,

that you should hold on dearly.

There will be, people who will think about you.

Who will have spaces for you in their hearts.

And if you have no one and only yourself,

Trust me, they are out there somewhere,

you just have not found them yet.

I promise.

和你的巧遇

我怎麼也沒有想到今天會在會場遇見你

而且還是在那麼靠近我的位置，

我們互相沒有留意到對方

而是因為小東告訴我 我才知道的。

我注意好久的可愛的掛包原來掛在你的身上

哈哈哈哈哈 說起來好像有點不可思議

可是也好像...... 有點苦澀。

當我知道是你的時候，

我突然好像也不知道該怎麼反應才好

剛好看過去時，你好認真地在工作...... 

時間頓時靜止了幾秒吧。我好久沒有看到你了。

還要在這種場合遇見，其實真是自造孽。

我無意間和小東說出 你有女朋友的事 

然後我們很久沒見面， 原來她也不知道...... 

所以她突然說 ‘哦 妳有女友了 他也有女友了’

其實為什麼，我會有一種 說不上的 酸酸的感覺呢？

但確實，今天你的髮型很像中學時期的你

所以可能，勾起了我曾經對你的感受

只是，你不再屬於我，也是我當初和現在的選擇。

其實，我也無法誠實地回答你

為什麼會刪掉和你在Telegram的對話

因為其實，比起你的沒有回复，或者是一個打勾

我更害怕的是，成為打擾你的人。

我不想要有任何的情緒波動，也不想要惹來任何麻煩

所以我一而再 再而三地逃避。

在我和其他人相處的期間，我自己也成長了不少

原來好多感受和事情，我不僅始終沒有誠實，

也始終，選擇了逃避和沈默。最後，跑掉的人是我。

我始終無法抹去你的身影。

想起小東說的話，我可能真的會遺憾一輩子。

可是，我不想再打擾你。反正，你也依然不會看見我。

我們都有別人。