Amazing Journey Day 1

I woke up at around 11:21am and made myself a healthy smoothie.
It contains black berries, blackcurrant berries, plant stem cells, frozen yoghurt and some other healthy stuffs. I also made myself some eggs with long beans. It felt great.

I wanted to go gym at first but realising that I may not have enough time and not wanting to rush for things so I decided to go to the gym erhaps after the session.

3pm, I had my first private session at The Golden Space with Moisy as the professional consultant.

When I was on my way there, I was very anxious. Because I do not know what to expect, I do not know what I do not know, so it is quite nerve wrecking. But Yuuki gave me encouragement and told me that I will be okay, and I believed that too.

It was not too soon that I reached the desitnation and I was given a cup of water to get myself ready.

I went into the room after I felt I got ready and I initiated the conversation by telling Moisy what happened to me in the past weeks since I met her during the consultation.

I felt that the reason why I chose to sign up the course on the spot was because this is an answer from the universe for something that I had been struggling with - I couldn't handle my emotions well and I want to know better on how to handle it.

I explained what I had happened in acknowledging and being more aware with what I am feeling lately and what had I actively do, to sit with my emotions and face my fears.

There includes having difficult conversations with my partner Yuuki.. even if it led to a lot of breakdowns for us but I felt that our relationship had become more initmate that I had expressed more of myself and when we both shared our thoughts & feelings and etc. It was a rough night for both of us.

But I am glad that we were to be there for each other during the toughest times. I am happy with where I am having progress although I am still having a lot of complicated emotions.

Then I spoke about my mother... I don't know why but it was so natural that I just cried as I spoke about her. Which I normally would not. But I am glad that Moisy probably know what was going on, and immediately identify that this the wound that I need healing from.

She also explained that, it is great that I had atended Asiaworks back in 2013 as that was the tool I needed to cope with or advance in my life and now, I am ready for something deeper and hence I was there.

The key was "Awareness" - "Coping" - "Healing"

When I was 10 years old, it was the first time I had awareness of what is "hurt" "guilt" "shame" "resentment" and a lot of other emotions 

And it had been stacking from all kinds of traumas that I had been through as a trigger on the particular incident when I was 10.

I remember taking deep breathes as I allow the white light from my heart to slowly spread across my body - and eventually there's some white light showering from the top to bottom until it covers my entire body like a cocoon. I know that I am in a safe enevironement and no one can hurt me and no one is going to judge me.

I saw my own reflection in the mirror, and I was invited to be back at the scene of where the traumatic incident had happened:

It was paused at the scene where my mum had cornered me at the toilet with her fingers poinitng at me, and I crouched there feeling helpless and not knowing where to go but I knew I was uncomfortable and wanted to get out of that position desparately.

Moisy slowly guided me to see what is around, try to picture what had happened to my mum on that  day... that made her so upset. I don't remember what had happened that day but from this journey, I followed whatever that came into my mind first

"I think she's upset, and thinks she's useless"

Then I was invited to go back further to find the child of my mohter. In my mind, she pretty much looked like me when I was 10 years old except she is short hair and wearing a white dress.

She was sad too. Knowing my mum came from a broken family and the father was abusive. My gut thinks that perhaps she was yearning love from her father. (Although I really don't know tbh but I followed whatever came up to my mind with Mosiy's guided questions)

I was asked to hug the little girl and tell her things. I feel a lot of empathy towards her because I deeply resonate with her as what I had been through as a child.

I know, my mum has never been great in expressing her love, and although I was really hurt and mad from the hate speeches that she told me and how I had allowed her to continue to abuse me emotionally. physically, and verbally because of the guilt I felt from the mistake of slapping my mum on Mother's Day due to my emotions.

"It is not your fault. You did whatever you could in your best capacity back then."

I told the little girl of my mother: "I am so sorry that I had judged you."

"It is okay." she nodded.

"I will love you better when I am back as an adult at the present. I love you and I am so sorry what you need to go through. I will love you."

She smiles and we hugged each other tightly.

Then I was brought back to the day on that incident - I was asked to see how was my adult mother looked like now

She still looks sad but slightly better. 

"That's great, now go hug your mother and tell her things you want to tell her."

"I am so sorry. I wish I could do better. I wish I had never do that and had been a better daughter. I am sorry for all the hurt I caused you indirectly even if I did not have the intentions. I really love you."

She smiles back and say: "I know. I will always love you no matter what you do."

Then I was asked to hug the 10 year old me and tell her things I want to say.

"I am so sorry for leaving you alone and had beaten up you so much when you needed me the most. I promise that I will never leave you alone again. I will be with you."

"Okay! It's okay. I know!" - the 10 year old girl, so happy and forgiving.

Then I came back as I had nothing else to say but just a lot of silence as we hug each other.

As I came back to the white space, I saw my reflection again

And she goes:

"You did so well. Don't worry, I am with you. I am inside of you and I will always be with you."

We hugged each other so tightly. I didn't know that I am so capable to love and forgive.

I am so lovable, and I have the capacity to break the cycle if she's in me. 

"All you need to be, is just be you!" - she said that and happily hugs me back just like how I would hug anyone I deeply in love with. Whoever in real life that I will hug so tight so that they can feel the love I want to give it to them, the love they deserve to have.

The reflection hugged myself so so so tight.

And I was brought abck to the present as I open my eyes.

Everything was very real. I now know that, I am very capable to love and forgive, and I, have the ability to end this cycle. It shall end within me.

Key Takeaways:

"Hurting people hurts people"

"I should love harder when it hurts the most"

"I will be there to love you even when you are not lovable"

"I am capable of love and forgiving!"

2nd Day of "Rotting"

 I watched all 12 episodes of Chainsawman from 7pm+ - 10:30pm I think. Then when the movie ended

I had a sudden realisation that I have nothing else to do (to numb my feelings) so my feelings just came out in the form of crying

Cried like 2 hours like I went through a break up  I wanna laugh at myself now but yea. Slept and cry again then actually wrote a journal just to express my feelings

Then continue to sleep then I am okay already the next day

Then it came to yesterday, which I cried after I talked to my mum which you already know the story

My point is… the more that I express my feelings and spent more time to sit with my feelings

I start to find peace and I am able to guide myself better.

1st Day of "Rotting"

5 March 2023 0341am

I forgot to bring my cardholder out after I reorganised my stuffs yesterday. Felt frustrated and stupid on myself to make such mistakes but luckily I can still make payment using grabpay.
Then I realised I forgot to switch Grabcar Plus back to Grabcar hence was having trouble to get a grab. Felt so dumb.
So I went to the gym anyway.
I know that Yuuki is going out with Bel today.
I went to the gym but wasn’t being the most productive feeling like a drag but still managed to push for a few sets; maybe it’s been some time I went to the gym.

I can feel tears in my eyes whenever I swipe to her IG stories spending a wonderful time with her. But I endured it and told myself that hey it’s gonna be okay. I didn’t text her a lot because I don’t have anything good to share as she share with me little things that she see from the Chatuchak market.

I went home around 5pm. I am relieved that I didn’t need to see my boss for that special appointment because honestly I wasn’t ready. Upon showering, I tried to find all kinds of things to do so that I don’t feel so distracted. Then I decided to watch Chainsawman since it’s a popular anime and I had cosplaying it.

I finished watching Chainsawman at 22:30 and I suddenly felt that since this task is done, nothing can numb my feelings anymore so I burst into tears. I felt myself breaking into pieces - and was crying frantically on the kitchen floor.
I can picture myself crying at that spot in my brain, seeing how darkness had engulfed me and how I wish those devils would be my friends just like how the movie did.
I cried so long and loud because my body had contained so much anger fear resentment and insecure that I just want to release them.

Almost like a numbing pain was felt over my chest and stomach as I curl into a ball - on the floor, or on the sofa as I continued to cry. I think I kind of understand the energy theory what The Golden Space had told me.
It’s a familiar feeling to feel that my heart was being sucked empty as if there’s a hole on it
It’s as if I am going through a very bad break up when nothing in real life, has happened.
It’s as if I am grieving over something but I am unsure what that is. The most accurate statement for me that I could think of is “I am grieving for the parts of myself that are long lost and can’t be found.” Because I have had this feeling for the longest time.

I isolated myself from the world because I felt that no one could understand my pain. And that these are the consequences that I am accountable for the choice I have made by not being honest with my feelings and had compromised it before. I also think I deserved this as my karma for hurting those who had truly cared about me in the past. In particularly, John. He always have his ways to reach out to me.. always know that something is not right about me and was always there. Yet I cheated twice and I know I can never pay back for what he did for me as a partner (back then) - I also think I no longer deserve such kindness from anyone else. My parents just thought that it’s a normal break up, when it was me, who just immorally gave in to my desires at that time.
I hate myself for having desires & feelings.

I desperately cry for help deep inside of my heart  as I wanted to die. Again. I really want to end my life but I can’t. Thinking about all the responsibilities, the troubles that I could leave to anyone even just by suiciding in this house, haunts me that I fear death. But I couldn’t think of anyone that I could call. I don’t think anyone would come and I didn’t want anyone to see myself at that state.

I would probably be labelled as insane or mentally sick to be seen like that.
I understand that Bel is only her friend and that they both are just having fun as friends
But the fact that Bel didn’t know about the truth
Just because you are hiding it from her to protect her feelings, make me felt incredibly jealous and disturbed because

In the end, I am the one suffered the most
And I felt that I did not even have the right to say anything because I agreed to this.
I didn’t fight for myself because I am a coward. I resent myself for agreeing over something that I know it could cause me hurt each time seeing you go out with her like nothing had happened

I think I stop loving you because I no longer know what is love when I can’t love myself
And all I felt was resentment - like an eternal darkness that constantly engulfed me

How can I love someone when all I felt towards a person was resentment, distrust, and pain
The worst thing is, you being gentle and sending me stickers to keep in touch with me while you spend your day with her

It really torments me to see the pictures you upload on your socials with her
Even if my mind clearly knows that you both are merely going out as friends
I still, can’t sit well with the fact that you both still look like a pair of couples and how your Singapore friends would just see you both as an item still. I really hate it. Hate it that I am unable to hate both of you because there isn’t a reason since my thinking brain fully understands that anyone have their rights to hang out with their friends however they want

And Bel does have a lot of positive impact over you, she is able to do things that is not within my capacity and I had to admit my short comings on that. I don’t hate her at all. It’s just really painful for me to deal with all the insecurities, fear that I have, on my own, just because..
You wanted to protect her feelings and your reputation. While me, being in this chaos of darkness. Things that you didn’t like - was perfectly avoided while things that I didn’t like, I can only fearfully say it out because I am afraid of you not liking the idea or would like me less.

While my existence have to be remained as a secret as what we both agreed
I genuinely thought maybe it’s going to be okay when I endure this a little more
That I could endure this for I just gave a little bit more patience and time - that things are getting better

But it triggers me whenever I see that you are with her spending time happily.
This is a moment where I hate myself more than ever for having feelings, to have the ability to feel pain, confused, and felt like having an internal conflict within me because of such feelings

All the pain. From all the hate I have for myself, be it from this relationship, or the past relationships, or during my entire childhood to teens among the 28 years
This familiar feeling had came back to me
The only difference is, I get to cry out really loud however I want at my own space
But I still felt the need to suppress parts of my feelings so that I remain sane enough to not kill myself out of impulse.

12am
I cried so much that I decided to sleep on the couch. A place where I used to sleep when I was in the last relationship. The space was tightly small horribly uncomfortable yet I still lived in that pile of junk

Thankful that now I have a clean space and a comfortable couch to sleep on at least

0258am
I woke up. This moment reminds me of the high school days where I felt “Ah. School time.”

It’s like those days whenever I had an argument with mum because she said so much hurtful things to me and I had to cry under the blankets without her knowing

I cried so long that I probably fall asleep in the process and still manage to wake up and function just to go to school

I remember the feeling of fear that her anger will break through the silence and I had to deal with the chaos. It’s been the 5th or 6th day she had covid, and I had never once called her over the phone to ask how she was despite my dad asking me to do so

No.1, I don’t have anything to talk about with her other than “how are you today”
No.2, I am in a really crappy state that I can’t deal with anyone right now
I refuse to be vulnerable with her because I don’t want to hear her saying things like “oh you make me worry so much” and start doing whatever things that could potentially soften my heart again so that I am okay with her shit statements and toxicity again

When she’s kind to me, I really appreciate it. But I also had held way too much of resentment towards her during those days.
All the things that happened in that house. I remembered all my bottled up feelings and now they are all the fears and insecurities that I carry along with me, despite I no longer stay there.

When I was on the verge of wanting to really just stab myself to end the pain that I felt earlier on, the name Moisy, slipped the back of my head many times, that maybe I could give her a text
But I never took the step because I am unable to articulate my actual feelings at that moment.

I could only cry helplessly and that could potentially bring trouble to her as well. She’s not a therapist after all, and I don’t like the idea of troubling someone.

I had imagined many times if I died that moment, how many days would it take for people to find out my body? What happens after? Who will cry for me and grieve for me…? And how long would that be? They probably just thought “what a waste that she had died”

All my achievements that I had made. Working my dream jobs and have a shelter to live in. Have the luxury to cry in a comfortable space. I am already in such a privileged state yet I am feeling miserable over a petty thing.
That’s what making me hating myself for all the feelings I have because I don’t think I deserve feeling all this.
I guilt trip myself the most. And gaslight myself the most because unfortunately, I never knew how to process all these feelings because I never get to.

At least I feel a little better now. Being able to write my down my thoughts to document this.
Maybe it’s going to be helpful for Moisy to understand what’s my feelings at moments like this why I felt the need to die

I think the most painful for me was, knowing that I want to die, but I cannot die. Since I am not allowed to given the circumstances, so long as I would bring trouble to the others, I should not voluntarily just end my life like that. At least, that’s what the adults told me when I first wanted to suicide when I was 10.

It’s not the first time I felt this. It’s the 28th year.

I am tired so I decide to sleep again at 03:54am

Ike Eveland - 10 April 2022

I am not worth for you to die over for.

I don't think anything / anyone in this world is worth for you to die over for.

Your life is the only thing that is so precious,

that you should hold on dearly.

There will be, people who will think about you.

Who will have spaces for you in their hearts.

And if you have no one and only yourself,

Trust me, they are out there somewhere,

you just have not found them yet.

I promise.

和你的巧遇

我怎麼也沒有想到今天會在會場遇見你

而且還是在那麼靠近我的位置，

我們互相沒有留意到對方

而是因為小東告訴我 我才知道的。

我注意好久的可愛的掛包原來掛在你的身上

哈哈哈哈哈 說起來好像有點不可思議

可是也好像...... 有點苦澀。

當我知道是你的時候，

我突然好像也不知道該怎麼反應才好

剛好看過去時，你好認真地在工作...... 

時間頓時靜止了幾秒吧。我好久沒有看到你了。

還要在這種場合遇見，其實真是自造孽。

我無意間和小東說出 你有女朋友的事 

然後我們很久沒見面， 原來她也不知道...... 

所以她突然說 ‘哦 妳有女友了 他也有女友了’

其實為什麼，我會有一種 說不上的 酸酸的感覺呢？

但確實，今天你的髮型很像中學時期的你

所以可能，勾起了我曾經對你的感受

只是，你不再屬於我，也是我當初和現在的選擇。

其實，我也無法誠實地回答你

為什麼會刪掉和你在Telegram的對話

因為其實，比起你的沒有回复，或者是一個打勾

我更害怕的是，成為打擾你的人。

我不想要有任何的情緒波動，也不想要惹來任何麻煩

所以我一而再 再而三地逃避。

在我和其他人相處的期間，我自己也成長了不少

原來好多感受和事情，我不僅始終沒有誠實，

也始終，選擇了逃避和沈默。最後，跑掉的人是我。

我始終無法抹去你的身影。

想起小東說的話，我可能真的會遺憾一輩子。

可是，我不想再打擾你。反正，你也依然不會看見我。

我們都有別人。

關於單身的時長 - 我的想法

單身的時間越短 就意味著那段感情不重要？

這是什麼屁話。

我覺得這要完全看心境。

記得我16歲第一次分手，稱他摩羯座吧。

是單身了1年半才開啟第二段的戀情

所以那段戀情很重要嗎?

老實說當時也沒有太多想法，畢竟我當時是想得很清楚：我們不合適

反正我們連朋友都做不成；幾乎可以說，

自那以後，我們就再也沒出現過在我的生活裡

連巧遇的緣分也沒有

其中是有和雙子座曖昧一段時間，他心思很細膩也很照顧我

但是6天以戀人身份的相處就馬上知道

我們完全不合適 不合適 不合適。所以我快刀斬亂麻地結束了

所以第二段戀情 是和天蠍座。

雖然為期很短，但是對當時的我來說

確實是還蠻刻骨銘心。畢竟，17歲的戀情嘛 啥都不懂

各種刁蠻任性帶刺，也不懂得體諒對方 （雖然說 這是我至今都需要加強的事情）

所以它從原本很甜蜜的青澀戀情 - 逐漸變為苦澀 草草地結束了

當時，我單身了7個月，幾乎2-3個月的時間都以淚洗面

遲遲無法釋懷，始終覺得愧疚；做任何事都無法提起劲

那是我此生第一次感到，內心被挖空的感覺。

後來，我遇見了對我最有耐心的一個人 - 白羊座

雖然大部分都是遠距離，但是他教會我很多事情

是很刻骨銘心的一段戀情，

是我第一次知道，被愛的感覺是什麼，

滿眼都是我的感覺 是怎樣的。

但是，我不懂得，如何愛他

當時我也心還未定，世界很大，

我還有很多未知和好奇心想要去探索。

而我，也始終覺得，欠缺了些什麼。

由於我的做法有些違背道德倫理

他是我始終感到虧欠的人，這也將會是不變的事實。

再來就是，雙魚男。這時候的我，最怕寂寞

雖然幾乎一年半的遠距離戀愛

老實說....... 沒有什麼特別的感覺，可能我倆的性格 和 三觀

實實在在不合適。雖然我很感激當時他給我精神上的陪伴，

但也是那種，井水不犯河水的陌生關係，對我倆更好。

我和你的關係是一個例外吧。

在我的心裡，我從來無法只是視你為朋友

無論，你把我當成什麼。

在你身上，我也算是認知自己。

wow 原來我奮不顧身可以沒有極限。

只是，我體驗過 被愛的感覺，

而且，我們已經不再是高中生了。

在我最風雨交加的時刻，你沒有出現，好幾次。

無論我對你多麼偏心，最後我還是過不了自己的那關。

其實，我真的想過和你一輩子。

好多次，我連嫁給你的夢都還依稀記得。

可能，你真的愛過我，但是你不懂得愛我。

也許，我真不懂你，但是我太懂我自己。

於是在好多日積月累的獨自哭泣之下，

我自己重新整理了自己好多次

也捨棄了好多，那些讓我自己傷心難過的理由。

我沒給自己單身，是因為我孤獨寂寞了很久

所以，心真死的那一刻，就一切都不太重要了。

你，真的曾經是最重要。勝於所有人。

好幾次差點心軟回頭，臥槽。所以最後我躲得很遠很遠。

水瓶座，一開始儀式感很會，會去了解我喜歡什麼花，

刻意買紫色玫瑰，教我健身，還有好多事。其實他很可靠。

他很苛刻，也很高冷。有點像和軍官在一起。

雖然他一點都不溫柔，自然也不是最適合我的人

但是，現在的我，完完全全能夠理解，

我當時埋怨關於他說話苛刻和無法體諒別人的那些缺點，

恰好，就是我自己也有的缺點。

尤其和我現任女友相處之後，

我真的不難發現其實，我自己也和水瓶座半斤八兩。

理智起來，都沒有人性。直男癌 哈哈哈哈 

一連下的4段戀情都是無單身期的。

被水瓶座分手後的... 差不多3個月吧

臥槽 我依稀記得首個月份真的好煎熬

我不至於感到內心被挖空，只是覺得自尊心受創

會重新質疑自己的能耐，價值等等

但是現在的我，很感激遇見過他

他讓我的價值觀確實有一定的提升

我對自身生活的要求...... 也更高了。

後來，就遇到了巨蟹座。

事業成功，我仰慕，他也仰慕我的人

不過就是...... 心胸太狹隘了

心機也很重，始終猜不透摸不透

也不坦誠的一個人。

所以1個月不到的關係發現很多真相後我也是，

慢走不送滾遠點。這段戀情就有點類似雙魚座那段，

沒什麼特別的感覺，可以說帶點嫌棄吧

單身了多久呢？1個月多吧 才認識我的女友

雖然說 我和她的摩擦也不少

也偶爾會有 對不上拍的時候

可是，她做的好多好多好多小事

都讓我很清楚地知道，她的心裡有我

她是唯一讓我真切感覺到 

我有能力去愛她，我也想要為她奮不顧身

而她也有能力去愛我的

一個人。

所以我希望，我不要再單身了

哈哈哈哈

因為我好難得 找到一個 

我一直莫名被吸引的一個對象

即便...

我倆是女生。

其實我越發覺得，真的是gay中之gay

最近看多了BL，就覺得

我的心理，是真的雌雄同體的

Anyway, 這個是另一天的topic了

等思緒比較清晰再記錄。

今天好吵

我明明好好的 不是已經釋懷了嗎

可是今天我不知道我怎麼了

我做錯了就一件事情 她好生氣

我一整天的快樂和平靜就這樣被破壞

我和她本來好好的 因為我的一件愚蠢的錯誤就破壞了一切

為什麼 都明知道對方會生氣的事情 卻隨手就這麼做了

我也分不太清楚到底觸發點究竟是哪一件事。

但是我知道我的情緒極度不穩定

我並非特別想要粘人

只是我好討厭一個人的時候 頭腦裡就有好多很吵雜的聲音

那些所有的討厭我的聲音 還是所有我所接受過的不善

那些厭惡我的眼神 還有待遇 好多年過去了 全都歷歷在目

好像這些過去的黑暗 無論我如何驅趕

無論我變得多麼強大，它總是會糾纏著我而不會散去

時時刻刻提醒著我 所有我的罪過

都不曾被寬恕

除了那些厭惡的眼神

我最常聽到的就是 你注定孤獨終身

我其實無法和任何人長期相處

因為我無法克制 那個不完美的我 一直在搗亂

我的內心也很崩潰

到底是要怎麼做到

不會犯下任何錯誤的完美人設

不會惹得任何人討厭排斥的完美人設

能把每一件事都做好的完美人設

著一些，是不是真的只有二次元的世界才有

3天之後的總結 - 學習：放下 領悟 和 突破

回想起前3天我好狼狽地哭了2天
也未免太sohai了 哈哈哈哈

雖然失去朋友是一件很無奈的事情 也不是第一次了

可能也是這2個星期
其實不只，應該說
我拼了5個月 但是前2個星期是真的爆炸高峰期
確實因為工作太太太忙
太壓力了 也根本無法好好休息

我把所有日日夜夜所接收的累計的所有負面情緒
所有的委屈 和 艱辛
感覺都在一次的潰提下 大爆發 一次過哭完出來

然後我就自己痊癒了 :DDDDD

恩 遺憾的事情一定會有的 但是我們總要學會放下
看好自己手上所擁有的一切美好
然後下定決心，不要再讓任何的遺憾重蹈覆轍

就好了

就這樣我發現，我真的很幸福。

我不知道我能愛她多久，可是至少現在我們仍然相愛
同居真的會讓愛和關係昇華到另一個層次
忙碌工作之時，自然就不太黏膩
但是因為有愛，我們還是會時刻在生活的瑣碎事情裡掛念著對方
我覺得，這就是最根本的 - 愛了

----------------------------------------------------------------------

這兩天我花了一些時間出門，
見見我的新同事，見見我的乾弟弟
我們敘了很多舊 還去攀岩

今天我克服了我一生中好大的恐懼

恐高是一點，但我今天更多克服的
是一種擺脫了束縛的解脫？ 或者說... 是擺脫了你吧

畢竟以往這類的活動 都太習慣找你陪我去
但是以後有好多事，我都不能和你說了
也不能和你分享 也不能都找你了

我真真切切地感覺得到，我們的緣分就快結束了吧
所以才如此難過

也沒辦法吧 和我差得太遠的人，自然討厭我
我也習慣了

但由於是你的愛人 我就不打擾 也不多加批評

沒有你，也談不上更好，只是我依然會很好

--------------------------------------------------------------

被愛之所以會感覺到幸福
是因為，你也深愛著那個人

真心祝福你 找到那位不再讓你感到空虛的人

希望她好好愛你的同時 你也能好好愛她

也很抱歉，我當初也沒有做到

因為我也是最近才學會如何好好愛一個人

再見 - 我的遺憾

13年了 看來我終於發現 無論此生我和誰在一起

你始終在我的心裡佔據著好大的一個位置

就像當年我在巴士上的座位 

我的隔壁永遠只想要留給你坐。

經歷了看著你深愛別人的眼神

經歷了你因失戀的墮落 

經歷了無數次被你的拒絕 

經歷了無論是暗戀 戀人 

還是現在以朋友的身分

其實我最大的錯誤是 沒有堅守我的理智和你在一起

我給我們美好的關係添加了 前任 二字的標籤

如你當年所說的… 我們連朋友都沒法做了。

你瀟灑自如的心境 永遠無法理解我

也因這樣曾給我的無數次 心碎和打擊

就連以前在一起的時候也是這樣

好多時候我都覺得 我在你的心裡 一文不值

我已經知道了 無論我怎麼做 

我不會是你內心的第一， 是的 所以我放棄了

很不甘心地放棄了。

只是為什麼我經歷了如此多次同樣的遭遇和心碎

事到如今 我還是感到如此劇痛？

我既無法愛你 也無法走進你的心裡

但事到如今連朋友的資格都被剝削 

and you are my best friend and someone I had held so dearly to me. 

這大概是現實對我

最殘忍也最公平的懲罰了 

恭喜你 我會退得很遠很遠

畢竟… 這是我最擅長的事。

我的心始終還是 那麼痛 

無數次 我嘗試把你從內心裡挖空

這次為了別讓你難做 我真嘗試了

只是 沒有任何人事物可以再填補這個空虛

你是我此生的唯一遺憾 吧

我真渣

能不能不要再忘記東西了

‘‘最近妳怎麼了 腦子不中用了

為什麼檢查東西不能100%確定才進行決定

為什麼那麼喜歡丟到東西 妳怎麼不丟掉自己的命呢

尊嚴都丟了 關心妳的人妳丟了

愛妳的人妳丟了 妳愛的人丟了

妳還有什麼不能丟呢

為什麼不能記起你所有的程序

為什麼不能永遠記得 - 妳只是借宿別人的地盤

妳不屬於那個地方

不要強加妳的個人習慣在任何人身上

不要理會任何人 不要處理任何事物

管好妳自己的事情 不要妨礙任何人

不要裝可憐 不要道歉 不要生氣

也不要哭 不要感受任何事

妳不值得擁有些什麼 什麼愛 什麼的

那些都是乖孩子 懂事 沒錯的孩子能夠擁有的

不管今天妳和誰在一起

妳不配... 妳只會是個窩囊廢’’

記住 妳不能快樂

總是得意忘形 就忘了分寸。

Wisdom, a blessing or a curse?

There are many ways to deal with problems that we see in life.

Some choose to encounter them like frontline fighters, 

Some choose to smartly dodging it to maintain peace.

Some choose to ignore them, pretending it had never existed and let it slip.

Problems will not go away

But you can have a different mindset on how to look at them.

For example,

When you are in a fight with your love ones?

What's more important to you...?

To win the argument? To let your partner acknowledge its their fault and make a change about it?

To resolved a disputed issue? How to resolve it?

Fighting helps you establish your grounds. But what's next?

Who to do the change? Who to make compromises?

50,50? or 80,20? 

There are also times where all these don't matter

'Sometimes its just, hey we didnt need to argue for this.'

Sometimes we get so carried away by our emotions at that moment

Nature of humans wanting to defend our stands and what we think is right

The urge of defending our thoughts can be so blinding

that it actually get you carried away and jeopardising what you already have,

perhaps a loving relatioship.

But there are also times where, these theories werent true.

"If the person loves you, they will do this and do that'

How did you interpret their love?

According to YOUR way? Your EX's way? Or THEIR way?

If love is ever easy

There will not be so many fights or divorces in the world.

Experts suggested that,

It is advisable to love someone the way they wanted

Not how you wanted, cuz otherwise it is just selfish

Anyways,

The person who knows more, understands better what is love

The one who had more wisdom, who see what others couldnt

Are bound to hug their sorrows with themselves..

If they met someone who couldnt share with it.

It is either to leave, or to stay.

Or find a new way

This is the endless time I cried alone.

He doesn't respond to my 'goodnight'

It is a simple word.

Can't you just respond back 'goodnight'?

But if i said it, 

I am sure it will caused another unnecessary fight

or maybe I am being excessive or overreacting.

It had always been me who's overreacting.

But i am not...

I am just, really sad.

But I can't be sad...

Nobody likes a sad person.

And nobody should find a sad person like me.

No one will find me.

Is that wrong for reassurance?

But I see none. It's the small things that matter.

They slowly pile up. And getting more and more.

My logical sense tells me I need to stop

But... I am too afraid. I am just a coward.

I am unhappy. Depressed. Unsatisfied.

Just hang on there a little more.

When I am back to happy Sammie, I will forget the pain and repeat everything again.

Piece of cake :D

A different world.

When I was consumed by darkness.
You were there.

Not anymore......

Because. I killed your feelings.

And you...

And now I am tasting my own karma. :)

Goodbye.

你總是說我笨。

突然想起，可能你真的習慣把我當笨蛋

可是....

對不起

其實我一點都不笨。

我笨拙是因為我愛你。

可是...

我真的不笨。

很多事情我都看得很清楚，只是我真的很愛你

笨很久很久也沒關係吧  反正我也固執死都不要放棄

直到我真的... 心冷了。

如果我這次的選擇是錯的，那也是我日後的事情了

因為... 我真的放棄了。

愛你愛了9年，對你我問心無愧。

我... 沒有後悔。

再見，baby與mimi。

不知道你還沒有看我的文章，我每次都會去看
因為... 我認識的人裡應該只有你會寫文章了。
或是我。寫blog貌似是我們同期中學的人才會做的事
但我猜... 你應該也沒有看過我之前的文章了。

只是... 這應該是我最後一次為我們寫的文章了。
理智早就告訴我這一天會到來，我還是得要親手葬送我的初戀。
如果你能看到這些，我真的很想說。
不管是以情侶還是朋友在一起
所有和你在一起的時光
只要你出現的地方，我都很開心。
你的溫柔，我從以前就知道。
所以我一直那麼深深喜歡著你
你霸占了我大部分的青春
我敢說 我愛了你整個中學 愛你還多過我其他的前任
你是我生命裡很重要的人
我以為，只要我很愛很愛你
也許你就會比較開心。
你很傷心，你覺得沒有人愛你。
其實你的家人都很愛你的，我也是。
兩年裡面，我用盡了我所有的力氣去愛你，
不管是一開始讓你相信我的愛
我希望我的愛能把你變成更好的人，希望你回复中學時的自信。
或許，你只是因為之前的經歷覺得沒有人愛你
你才沒有好好珍惜自己，才沒有好好積極
所以你很自卑...
我以為，我可以那麼無私，我以為我的愛可以那麼偉大 哈哈

其實愛你，我也感覺蠻卑微的
因為我知道我不是你心中理想的蘿莉，
我被你拒絕過，可能我要求真的有點多
我很想要依賴一個人，儘管我學會了駕車，儘管我可以叫grabcar回家
我還是... 想要有人在我半夜完成工作後有人載我回家
至少問我 ‘今晚你怎麼回家？我來載你吧。’
我也會覺得很安慰。
你很少直接說來載我的，不然就是問我 ‘要不要載？’
我很愛你，所以我不想要麻煩你。
只是，我也被你拒絕得怕了...
很多時候，儘管我真的很需要/很想要，我也不敢問了，我也不想問了
就算問出口我也覺得不好意思，擔心你會生氣，你會不開心
這種感覺有時候也讓我覺得很莫名其妙
難不成以後我都要提心吊膽地需要一個人嗎？
我需要那麼唯唯諾諾地去要求一個男人來載我回家嗎？
看別的女生可以完全依賴自己的男友/伴侶，她們的伴侶如此緊張她們的安危
我還是會... 忍不住覺得心寒。
因為，我那麼愛你。

你有工作的話就算了 你有家人要照顧我也算了
那麼其他的時間呢？我，或許真的沒有那麼重要
我的工作時間不定，地點很遠...
那我其他和我一起工作的同事呢？
或許，我們的想法真的不一樣
其實，我也明白，很多事情真的沒有對錯之分。
也許忍一忍就過去了。可是，真的只是忍一忍嗎？
可是... 老實說... 我真的過得蠻辛苦的。
當我遇到別人可以輕易地做到你無法為我做到的事情
我真的不知道要如何感受。

我也無法停下我成長的腳步
因為我的家人需要我，大家都對我有期望
媽媽需要我養她 我爸也老了 我妹把我當神拜
我是個很competitive的人，我可能有不好的地方
可是我無法容忍自己什麼都不做，就默默去接受所謂的現實
It is tokay to be weak, but it is not okay to stay weak. Stay weak is a choice.

花了2年的時間，我的心想要和我的理智證明
你會因為我的愛而變得更好
你會進步的，你會明白的，你會改變的
你是合適我的，你是我想要度過一生的男人。
和你在一起大概半年後，我的理智就已經告訴我
我們的level、想法和要求真的有點不太一樣... 可是我的心真的不想接受
因為我太愛你了... 我好不容易才得到了你
所以我真的很努力很努力。I really wanted us to last.

我也不是要責怪你 對我不夠好
也許，這已經你最愛一個人的方式了...
Maybe it's your greatest capacity of love.

可是，我無法欺騙自己，我不滿足的這件事。
我以後的要求肯定更高... 不會更低。
我再如何溺愛你，我都不應該寵溺你任由你放任自己這樣
可是... 我愛得很累了。我還是... 會自私。
因為沒有一個女人想要永遠都是獨立的女強人
沒有一個女人想要永遠都是厲害的女人

所以，我選擇，在我們的愛還沒有消失殆盡的時候離開。
我知道，離開... 不管說什麼，不管我怎麼解釋，選擇離開你一定會很難受
對不起，我讓你流淚。對不起，我無法像你第一次分手時陪你分擔流淚的痛
放手，很痛，但是必須。因為不想拖下去了。
以後放手，更痛。
對不起。可是我曾經很愛很愛你。
我對你的一切都是真的。

答應我，不要放棄自己。要積極。不可以懶散
真的要照顧自己的健康、衛生和飲食。
這樣以後你遇見了和我一樣好，還是比我好的女生
你才有能力給她幸福。你都26歲了。

溫柔絕對不是因為懦弱，我的溫柔都是和你學回來的
因為我從以前中學就愛著你
所以我的溫柔，都來自你。

坐在你的身邊，一直都是滿足的體驗。
一直都是。

心累

說好的晚安 和 等我 都沒有。
我想 我真的不是很重要 或許我太努力

但是我不想再說了。

一堆藉口，我也不想聽

It’s the little things that matter.

And when they pile up, they became so big that it’s not even movable anymore...

森77 不要再失踪了

我不是別人 我會extra擔心

會比別人做很多extra的事情
想很多extra的事情

我就是會很緊張

我是天蠍座 我是Sammie 我不是很會愛一個人

你說我很溫柔 

是因為我真的很努力克制自己不要對你強加太多束縛

可是其實那不是我最擅長的... 我很怕我管你太多 就跑掉了
不然就無視我
我沒有辦法做到常常是個溫柔的Sammie
因為我真的很糾結 :(

雖然只有我知道你多可愛 但是多想寵你 都不能寵壞你
因為你會是我以後孩子的爸爸 和 丈夫
真的愛你 除了你開心 我必須確保你安全 健康
你就是我的世界 我可能還有很多事情都處理得很糟糕
可是我會很努力很努力很努力，還有很認真

我的男人只有我自己能調教。
我的世界只有我自己能守護。
所以...

請你諒解不太會愛你的我

給我記住我今天說過的

玩遊戲不可以連續3個小時，要休息個小時
要聽話 要找工 要交代 還有我愛你 哼。

耐苦文

也許我總是擔心很多事情
可是我真的很擔心身邊的人會一一離去
儘管我很清楚人始終會有離去的一天

但是能不能
能不能讓一切都停留得更久

我還需要一些時間
還有很多的錢
我才可以達成很多事情
還有保護我想要保護的人

所以再苦也要忍耐
不能鬆懈下來才是...

關於我一些你不知道的事

You were right, but not all was right.

也許我不明白的事情很多，但是你也有很多不明白的事情

你總是看到我軟弱的一面，總是時常粘住你
其實是有很多原因的。我因為愛你，所以我會需要你，想要你
可是我的動機也很複雜
因為我的腦海裡很深刻地記得，
當初7年前，你說我太獨立......
還有其他戀愛的經驗告訴我，我的過於獨立總是會造成對方
認為我不需要他們.. 甚至覺得他們沒有用處
所以，我總是習慣性地找藉口，來讓自己軟弱一些
多撒嬌一些，多展現溫柔的一面
你才得以看見這樣的我

但是還有這樣的一個我，真的很強大
我不知道你有沒有發現，我問你的東西都是因為我的情緒波動太大
跟感情或是情緒有關係的事情我才會需要你
但是工作還是學業我很少有問題..
因為坦白說我理智起來就沒有我手上解決不到的問題
可能... 我們想法真的有點不一樣
可能... 我能幫助你的地方不多
可是，我很討厭 也很害怕 也很不想 成為你的阻礙。

我很多想法沒有辦法一次過說完
你很宅，我知道了
我其實是工作狂，我就是那種有工作有任務在身
就可以把全世界都丟在一邊
以前我很嚴重很嚴重... 如果對方無法體諒雙方就會很痛苦
我其實是那種有工作就要一直想著工作的人，不然我會出差錯
但是我很愛你，所以我不希望你被我冷落...
這幾天我真的很忙，有時候一下子太投入就忘了你
你很失落... 你給我很多傷心的emoji，所以我真的很努力
可是... 經過今天，我不知道我自己在做什麼
有時候我很錯亂，不知道要多黏你一些，還是要多冷你一些
順其自然，是一個很艱難的東西，在感情方面。
可是我會盡量。

我的優點正是我的缺點，缺點也正是優點。
My strength is 'Destroy' and 'Change'
改變的同時就是在等同於摧毀
改得好，摧毀就值得；改得不好，就被摧毀了
能為你改的事我能改，但是單靠一個人做會不平衡
所以兩人都需要改變和妥協於一些事，才會有‘各退一步’的說法
我不想要到最後...
我不小心destroy了自己或是你
儘管我願意為了你destroy自己多一點，
可是我不能。因為你會有需要我的一天
因為我身邊的人需要我，I don't get to be weak all the time...
I can't be too weak. So if you need me to be strong, I can do it for you
Because you need me.. But in order to be strong
I will be slightly colder cuz I can't have too much emotions to overrule my thoughts

對，我們出發點和思考點不一樣
但是經歷那麼多面對我自己男人的問題，
我提供的方法或意見目前還沒有失敗過
就算有，也很少很少。
所以對於愛我的人，如果他們相信我
就沒有他們做不到的事情
我希望，我帶給你的不是'destroy your original form or yourself'
而是 'change to become a better person with more efficient problem-solving skills'
I can't. I just can't bear the thought that I am becoming your burden or what not
你說你很care我，我已經很開心很開心了

我希望你，不要摧毀自己。
絕。對。不。可。以。因。為。我。摧。毀。了。你。

我真的

沒有你想像中那麼脆弱

如果堅強可以裝出來
那麼脆弱也可以。

我可以為我愛的你做任何事
總是有人要犧牲一些 才能成全一些
輪流就好了。

要如何愛一個人？

‘到底愛一個人是讓他開心，還是為他好’

自從你上次提起這個問題，

我也是一直在想著有沒有一個確切的答案

以前這個問題也是在我的思緒裡面逗留了一段時間

記得以前交往的時候我也是有想過

我的答案是很明確的，當然是為他好

比方說，我不希望看到愛人不健康，生病

或者是因為一些事情不順利就不開心，

或者說，我希望可以成為能夠扶持愛人的伴侶

就好像在《那些你很冒險的夢》的歌詞

那些你很冒险的梦 我陪你去疯

折纸飞机 碰到雨天 终究会坠落

太残忍的话我直说 因为爱很重

你却不想懂 只往反方向走

可是根據我的經驗，有時候不是所有為他好的忠告他都會願意聽
畢竟也不是小孩子了。
可能我總是很霸道，對方不聽話我就會很生氣
所以最後我的愛人會選擇聽我‘為他好’的勸告或建議

可是到底他開心不開心 其實我也不是很知道

因為我只是知道我的情緒得到平伏 自我地覺得是我的心意吧

可能這是一種習慣，但是經歷過昨晚

我的立場有點動搖

因為當我擅自認為自己是在為你好的時候

你看起來真的很不開心... 你撒嬌很多次
你平常不會這樣，所以我想你真的很想吃

我們坐下來吃飯，你跟我說你一整天沒吃東西
我的心都快碎了 都快哭死寶寶了

可是我沒有 我忍住 因為我不想哭了你會不開心

因為我看你走過去選吃的時候 眼睛亮亮的

你很可愛。哈哈哈 你開心是我最想看到的表情

我很希望你能健康，我不喜歡你總是不好好照顧自己

因為我們都要健康，這樣我們在一起的時間會比較久。

所以很多東西其實我真的很想霸道地替你做選擇

可是每次我都沒有做，因為我最後也會不懂，
到底什麼才是最好的，就只好聽你的

以前我解決問題的方式是要多談多交心
我也嘗試問過你，你比較希望我為你好還是為你開心，

可是你自己也給不到我答案 哈哈哈
可能，我們都很愛對方所以才會這樣吧？

我不知道你啦... 可是

畢竟你那麼賣力地賣萌，我是招架不住的。
雖然我很為難...

可是，我真的很愛你。